1944

As I begin my 38th lap around the sun, I want to first thank everybody for their well wishes. I tried to acknowledge as many Happy Birthdays as I could when they were sent, but I know I missed some. It isn't because you mean less to me than any other, I was simply overrun with them yesterday. I really hope this next lap is better than the past few have been. I've done things to set myself back from where I wanted to be, but I am working on regaining my position this go 'round. I'm pretty self-deprecating in my humor, and I fear I've begun to believe some of my own press. That is my fault, and I'm correcting that. Truth be told, I've always tended to be more motivated when I lacked support, and unfortunately right now I have many people being supportive. It's an odd conundrum. Many of the best things I've ever done were simply to piss people off. Perhaps I'm just waiting for a new muse, but part of me thinks I need a better motivating tactic. I've done a lot of reflecting the past few days as I've added another number to my age, and while I'm not "rah rah" about things, I'm cautiously optimistic. Here's hoping the lap we're all on finds us all moving forward together, that we all find our muse and break free from any binding ties (unless, you know, you're into that stuff, in which case message me), and that we find optimism defeating pessimism.

2256

Darkness has encompassed me like a single pebble being swallowed by a black hole the past few days. I feel like my trajectory in life has been turned 180 degrees from where I want to be going. Unfortunately those I confide in are only able to muster cliched advice so I have been apt to ignore it. I literally have manifested this into tunnel vision, where blackness creeps in all around me and I can only see what is directly in front of me. I hardly remember getting to work. I feel pressure in my head like I am about to explode. There have been moments where I feel like just letting everything envelope me and riding the spiral down to where it leads. Today I see a faint hint of light. I know I'm not the only one going through this thanks to some things I've read. But just as I think that salvation may be there, I begin to wonder what might happen if these other people can find it but I can't. Part of me wants to be happy that they are able to right their ships, but another part of me feels more desolation as I think of being alone in the abyss. I know life is balance. What I don't know is how to balance it. Where do I stop the giving and start the taking. I once read that if you leave your cupboard empty by giving to others and keep nothing for yourself, you will eventually have nothing to give anybody. This is my dilemma. This is the point where I have to decide and my indecision is taking control. I'm frozen in my inaction, paralyzed by the consequences that can stem from action. To rebuild or reboot, that is the current question. I know inaction is not an option, but for now I wait to see how long I can put off the inevitable. Who's balance is more important, those I love or my own? Is there really any balance either way? I know ultimately I need to balance myself, but does my balance come from making sure others are balanced? These are the burdens I carry. For now, I choose to occupy myself with less significant tasks. For now, I take leave of the day and continue on into the night, where hopefully resolution or inspiration come when my conscious rests and my ethereal thoughts take hold.

2352

Looking at my original goal of this blog, I have fallen well short of what I anticipated. I don't view this as a failure though. I actually view this as a great lesson learned. When setting goals, you need to be realistic. I'm not saying you shouldn't reach for the stars, but you need to realize you have to take steps. You need to make sure you are complete in those steps forward so that any backtracking is not a result of your own doing. Things change, accidents occur, there is always a variable that hasn't been contemplated. If we all knew all the answers life would be boring. One of the great things about life is learning. Be it a new riff on the guitar, a new marketing plan, whatever, learning is fundamental to life. I love to learn, and I am learning every day. One of the things I've learned recently is you can't force inspiration. I fell like I'm on the cusp of something, but I know I need to wait for it to be right. Just like a pie is better when it's cooked thoroughly, an idea needs to be complete before implementing. Here is hoping all your schemes are not half-baked and that inspiration flows for all of you. Go learn something today and it won't be unproductive.

2424

Today I learned to never underestimate my children, especially my younger one. The drive and determination she shows at such a young age will most definitely take her far in life. Let me begin by setting up the scenario to my epiphany. Last night when my wife got home from work with our daughter and things settled down from the initial rush that is them coming home, my daughter wanted to do flips with me. These are the kind where you hold the kids hands and they kinda walk up your leg and flip over in a way that makes you think you are going to twist their arms off. So in an attempt to mess with her, I held my hands up to the point where both of her arms were above her head thinking our point of contact was way to high for her to be able to do a flip. Lo and behold she simply jumps up and does a complete flip without even "walking" up any part of my body. Now this was pretty impressive, but as she goes to gymnastics what seems like 16460 hours a week I'm not shocked by it. By this time it's getting late so I tell her we can do this more tomorrow. She asked if she could get up when I do so we can practice and knowing damn well that a kid will not voluntarily wake up that early I say sure. This jinxed me. I got up this morning, a little later than normal, so around 6:30, rinse off, get dressed, go to the kitchen make my lunch, pour some cereal, and then I went to the fridge to get some milk. So I open the door, pause as I'm still not quite all the way awake, grab the milk, close the door and "Holy Jesus" there is my daughter staring at me like Christina Ricci as Wednesday Addams saying "hello daddy". I can't even control myself and let out a "holy shit, you're awake!" She smirks and reminds me I told her we could practice. I'm still a little taken aback by this. She has no alarm in her room, was up relatively late, and here she was full of pep ready to go. I have to give it to the kid, she loves her gymnastics. Hopefully she holds onto that love and keeps it throughout her "gymnastics career." She tells me her dream is to make it to the Olympics and as far fetched as that goal is I have to believe she can achieve it. I can't underestimate her drive. She is a year away from being old enough to compete and I have to think she'll hit the competitions running and never look back. Never underestimate somebody that has a passion.