1248

First a little site update. If you are reading this through Blogger and not Google+, over to the right there I added an about me page. It's just a little quip about what makes me me. I'm sure that there is a butt ton of information missing, but I'm only an amateur writer so forgive me. This past weekend I (finally) deactivated my Facebook account. I got tired of Pinterest reposts, news stories that were days old, and everybody blaming/attributing everything to my lawn guy, Jesus. But seriously, I found myself wasting so much time looking into other peoples lives that I was neglecting my own to an extent. If nothing else, by not going all voyeuristic on everyone else's life, I have a lot more battery left on my phone when I get home than I used to. I really liked Facebook at first. I liked MySpace too. I love social networking. I think it's great to stay connected but at the same time I think we spend far too much time looking at other people's lives and ignoring our own. Blame reality tv, everybody wants to be a star. I suppose that is what things like Facebook and MySpace were for, you post stuff so people look at you, and it was a great way to reconnect with lost friends, or stay close with family across the globe, but it turned into a popularity contest and got stale. And while I can't totally take myself away from social networking, and I'll admit I was twitchy for a while after deactivating my account, I'm still around. Life is still going on. I can still text, email, call even...if I need to be in contact with somebody. I've also found I've been posting to Twitter a bit more. Maybe I just needed a vice to fill in the lost Facebook time. Whatever the reason, I do it. So with all that being said, if anybody feels like they need to stay connected with me, circle me on Google+, follow me on Twitter @mdittemore or Instagram @medittemore. Maybe those outlets are just easier to broadcast on without seeing mundane bullshit. I don't know. Quite honestly I've lost my train of though since I was just sent a text to make dinner. So I will leave you with this: I'm making chicken parm tonight, deuces.

1512

"Walk on road, hm? Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later [makes squish gesture]get squish just like grape. Here, karate, same thing. Either you karate do "yes" or karate do "no." You karate do "guess so,"[makes squish gesture]just like grape. Understand?" Mr Miyagi, Karate Kid This scene from Karate Kid has been playing in my mind over and over the past few days. I'm pretty sure it has to do with our actions in Iraq over the past decade plus. Now, I'm not claiming to have the answers, but I think we "karate guess so'd" over there and we are about to get squished. Our actions, however you want to view them, were not complete or whole. We intervened in a situation without doing so completely. We patchworked together a country with loose stitching, that was clearly not taking the whole population's greater good into consideration, and expected it to hold. We built Frankenstein's monster, gave it life, and now have to play the God role to determine if that creation is worthy to remain. We wasted thousands of lives, and millions of dreams, to essentially return to a point far more dire than the one we began with. Now we are once again faced with the proverbial "shit or get off the pot" scenario. From the limited information that I have been afforded on the situation, inaction will lead to far greater action by those that view us as their enemy, but swift and decisive action will enrage them even more, not to mention start a shit storm among our more liberal members of society. These are the days where I am glad our collective action as a country is not my decision to make. The evangelical democracy we shove down the throat of the rest of the world is coming back to haunt us. We take it upon ourselves to make decisions for other instead of simply lending a hand when asked. We have lead with our ego and not our intellect and now have to deal with the repercussions of doing so. Hopefully smarter men than I can make better decisions so that we no longer have to take steps backwards.

1800

As much as I don't want to, I think it's time I look at going back on zoloft, at least for a little while. I really don't like being on zoloft. A complete lack of feeling is an odd feeling. That being said, I think at this point I might need to do so though to prevent a downward spiral. There have been a lot of things that have happened to me in the past month or so, and surprisingly I don't attribute any of that to my current mind state. I know that there is a chemical imbalance in my head that prevents me from being the best person I can be. I've gone through this before, and given family history, I'm sure I'll go through it again. The hardest part for me was admitting I needed help. Once you get past that point, things really are easier. I get to be a nasty son of a bitch when I'm on a down cycle, and that isn't fair to anybody. Not me, or the people around me. If taking a pill once a day can prevent me from being a bigger ass than my normal, charming self, then the least I can do is take one. I've seen what my sickness can do to others, and it isn't fair to them, just as it isn't fair that I have it to begin with. I haven't committed to the process yet, as it really is a horrible feeling. I'm still trying to do some homeopathic stuff, and some meditation to see if that will help, but I'm just about convinced that pharmaceuticals are the route I need to take, not because of a buzz or anything, but because they work. I know the side effects are sometimes just as bad as they symptoms, but that is something I know I have to deal with. Plus, the first day is really cool, like being on some really killer weed for a full 24. The second day, well that sucks. That's like tweeking and I hate that feeling. The insomnia sucks too, but by the end of the first week, week and half, everything seems to be ok. Sometimes just typing out the process helps. So while I contemplate what's best for me, let me say thanks for being a soundboard, whether you respond or not, just getting things out really helps, and that was one of the whole reasons for this blog.

1944

As I begin my 38th lap around the sun, I want to first thank everybody for their well wishes. I tried to acknowledge as many Happy Birthdays as I could when they were sent, but I know I missed some. It isn't because you mean less to me than any other, I was simply overrun with them yesterday. I really hope this next lap is better than the past few have been. I've done things to set myself back from where I wanted to be, but I am working on regaining my position this go 'round. I'm pretty self-deprecating in my humor, and I fear I've begun to believe some of my own press. That is my fault, and I'm correcting that. Truth be told, I've always tended to be more motivated when I lacked support, and unfortunately right now I have many people being supportive. It's an odd conundrum. Many of the best things I've ever done were simply to piss people off. Perhaps I'm just waiting for a new muse, but part of me thinks I need a better motivating tactic. I've done a lot of reflecting the past few days as I've added another number to my age, and while I'm not "rah rah" about things, I'm cautiously optimistic. Here's hoping the lap we're all on finds us all moving forward together, that we all find our muse and break free from any binding ties (unless, you know, you're into that stuff, in which case message me), and that we find optimism defeating pessimism.

2256

Darkness has encompassed me like a single pebble being swallowed by a black hole the past few days. I feel like my trajectory in life has been turned 180 degrees from where I want to be going. Unfortunately those I confide in are only able to muster cliched advice so I have been apt to ignore it. I literally have manifested this into tunnel vision, where blackness creeps in all around me and I can only see what is directly in front of me. I hardly remember getting to work. I feel pressure in my head like I am about to explode. There have been moments where I feel like just letting everything envelope me and riding the spiral down to where it leads. Today I see a faint hint of light. I know I'm not the only one going through this thanks to some things I've read. But just as I think that salvation may be there, I begin to wonder what might happen if these other people can find it but I can't. Part of me wants to be happy that they are able to right their ships, but another part of me feels more desolation as I think of being alone in the abyss. I know life is balance. What I don't know is how to balance it. Where do I stop the giving and start the taking. I once read that if you leave your cupboard empty by giving to others and keep nothing for yourself, you will eventually have nothing to give anybody. This is my dilemma. This is the point where I have to decide and my indecision is taking control. I'm frozen in my inaction, paralyzed by the consequences that can stem from action. To rebuild or reboot, that is the current question. I know inaction is not an option, but for now I wait to see how long I can put off the inevitable. Who's balance is more important, those I love or my own? Is there really any balance either way? I know ultimately I need to balance myself, but does my balance come from making sure others are balanced? These are the burdens I carry. For now, I choose to occupy myself with less significant tasks. For now, I take leave of the day and continue on into the night, where hopefully resolution or inspiration come when my conscious rests and my ethereal thoughts take hold.

2352

Looking at my original goal of this blog, I have fallen well short of what I anticipated. I don't view this as a failure though. I actually view this as a great lesson learned. When setting goals, you need to be realistic. I'm not saying you shouldn't reach for the stars, but you need to realize you have to take steps. You need to make sure you are complete in those steps forward so that any backtracking is not a result of your own doing. Things change, accidents occur, there is always a variable that hasn't been contemplated. If we all knew all the answers life would be boring. One of the great things about life is learning. Be it a new riff on the guitar, a new marketing plan, whatever, learning is fundamental to life. I love to learn, and I am learning every day. One of the things I've learned recently is you can't force inspiration. I fell like I'm on the cusp of something, but I know I need to wait for it to be right. Just like a pie is better when it's cooked thoroughly, an idea needs to be complete before implementing. Here is hoping all your schemes are not half-baked and that inspiration flows for all of you. Go learn something today and it won't be unproductive.

2424

Today I learned to never underestimate my children, especially my younger one. The drive and determination she shows at such a young age will most definitely take her far in life. Let me begin by setting up the scenario to my epiphany. Last night when my wife got home from work with our daughter and things settled down from the initial rush that is them coming home, my daughter wanted to do flips with me. These are the kind where you hold the kids hands and they kinda walk up your leg and flip over in a way that makes you think you are going to twist their arms off. So in an attempt to mess with her, I held my hands up to the point where both of her arms were above her head thinking our point of contact was way to high for her to be able to do a flip. Lo and behold she simply jumps up and does a complete flip without even "walking" up any part of my body. Now this was pretty impressive, but as she goes to gymnastics what seems like 16460 hours a week I'm not shocked by it. By this time it's getting late so I tell her we can do this more tomorrow. She asked if she could get up when I do so we can practice and knowing damn well that a kid will not voluntarily wake up that early I say sure. This jinxed me. I got up this morning, a little later than normal, so around 6:30, rinse off, get dressed, go to the kitchen make my lunch, pour some cereal, and then I went to the fridge to get some milk. So I open the door, pause as I'm still not quite all the way awake, grab the milk, close the door and "Holy Jesus" there is my daughter staring at me like Christina Ricci as Wednesday Addams saying "hello daddy". I can't even control myself and let out a "holy shit, you're awake!" She smirks and reminds me I told her we could practice. I'm still a little taken aback by this. She has no alarm in her room, was up relatively late, and here she was full of pep ready to go. I have to give it to the kid, she loves her gymnastics. Hopefully she holds onto that love and keeps it throughout her "gymnastics career." She tells me her dream is to make it to the Olympics and as far fetched as that goal is I have to believe she can achieve it. I can't underestimate her drive. She is a year away from being old enough to compete and I have to think she'll hit the competitions running and never look back. Never underestimate somebody that has a passion.