1944

As I begin my 38th lap around the sun, I want to first thank everybody for their well wishes. I tried to acknowledge as many Happy Birthdays as I could when they were sent, but I know I missed some. It isn't because you mean less to me than any other, I was simply overrun with them yesterday. I really hope this next lap is better than the past few have been. I've done things to set myself back from where I wanted to be, but I am working on regaining my position this go 'round. I'm pretty self-deprecating in my humor, and I fear I've begun to believe some of my own press. That is my fault, and I'm correcting that. Truth be told, I've always tended to be more motivated when I lacked support, and unfortunately right now I have many people being supportive. It's an odd conundrum. Many of the best things I've ever done were simply to piss people off. Perhaps I'm just waiting for a new muse, but part of me thinks I need a better motivating tactic. I've done a lot of reflecting the past few days as I've added another number to my age, and while I'm not "rah rah" about things, I'm cautiously optimistic. Here's hoping the lap we're all on finds us all moving forward together, that we all find our muse and break free from any binding ties (unless, you know, you're into that stuff, in which case message me), and that we find optimism defeating pessimism.

2256

Darkness has encompassed me like a single pebble being swallowed by a black hole the past few days. I feel like my trajectory in life has been turned 180 degrees from where I want to be going. Unfortunately those I confide in are only able to muster cliched advice so I have been apt to ignore it. I literally have manifested this into tunnel vision, where blackness creeps in all around me and I can only see what is directly in front of me. I hardly remember getting to work. I feel pressure in my head like I am about to explode. There have been moments where I feel like just letting everything envelope me and riding the spiral down to where it leads. Today I see a faint hint of light. I know I'm not the only one going through this thanks to some things I've read. But just as I think that salvation may be there, I begin to wonder what might happen if these other people can find it but I can't. Part of me wants to be happy that they are able to right their ships, but another part of me feels more desolation as I think of being alone in the abyss. I know life is balance. What I don't know is how to balance it. Where do I stop the giving and start the taking. I once read that if you leave your cupboard empty by giving to others and keep nothing for yourself, you will eventually have nothing to give anybody. This is my dilemma. This is the point where I have to decide and my indecision is taking control. I'm frozen in my inaction, paralyzed by the consequences that can stem from action. To rebuild or reboot, that is the current question. I know inaction is not an option, but for now I wait to see how long I can put off the inevitable. Who's balance is more important, those I love or my own? Is there really any balance either way? I know ultimately I need to balance myself, but does my balance come from making sure others are balanced? These are the burdens I carry. For now, I choose to occupy myself with less significant tasks. For now, I take leave of the day and continue on into the night, where hopefully resolution or inspiration come when my conscious rests and my ethereal thoughts take hold.

2352

Looking at my original goal of this blog, I have fallen well short of what I anticipated. I don't view this as a failure though. I actually view this as a great lesson learned. When setting goals, you need to be realistic. I'm not saying you shouldn't reach for the stars, but you need to realize you have to take steps. You need to make sure you are complete in those steps forward so that any backtracking is not a result of your own doing. Things change, accidents occur, there is always a variable that hasn't been contemplated. If we all knew all the answers life would be boring. One of the great things about life is learning. Be it a new riff on the guitar, a new marketing plan, whatever, learning is fundamental to life. I love to learn, and I am learning every day. One of the things I've learned recently is you can't force inspiration. I fell like I'm on the cusp of something, but I know I need to wait for it to be right. Just like a pie is better when it's cooked thoroughly, an idea needs to be complete before implementing. Here is hoping all your schemes are not half-baked and that inspiration flows for all of you. Go learn something today and it won't be unproductive.

2424

Today I learned to never underestimate my children, especially my younger one. The drive and determination she shows at such a young age will most definitely take her far in life. Let me begin by setting up the scenario to my epiphany. Last night when my wife got home from work with our daughter and things settled down from the initial rush that is them coming home, my daughter wanted to do flips with me. These are the kind where you hold the kids hands and they kinda walk up your leg and flip over in a way that makes you think you are going to twist their arms off. So in an attempt to mess with her, I held my hands up to the point where both of her arms were above her head thinking our point of contact was way to high for her to be able to do a flip. Lo and behold she simply jumps up and does a complete flip without even "walking" up any part of my body. Now this was pretty impressive, but as she goes to gymnastics what seems like 16460 hours a week I'm not shocked by it. By this time it's getting late so I tell her we can do this more tomorrow. She asked if she could get up when I do so we can practice and knowing damn well that a kid will not voluntarily wake up that early I say sure. This jinxed me. I got up this morning, a little later than normal, so around 6:30, rinse off, get dressed, go to the kitchen make my lunch, pour some cereal, and then I went to the fridge to get some milk. So I open the door, pause as I'm still not quite all the way awake, grab the milk, close the door and "Holy Jesus" there is my daughter staring at me like Christina Ricci as Wednesday Addams saying "hello daddy". I can't even control myself and let out a "holy shit, you're awake!" She smirks and reminds me I told her we could practice. I'm still a little taken aback by this. She has no alarm in her room, was up relatively late, and here she was full of pep ready to go. I have to give it to the kid, she loves her gymnastics. Hopefully she holds onto that love and keeps it throughout her "gymnastics career." She tells me her dream is to make it to the Olympics and as far fetched as that goal is I have to believe she can achieve it. I can't underestimate her drive. She is a year away from being old enough to compete and I have to think she'll hit the competitions running and never look back. Never underestimate somebody that has a passion.

2592

"April 29th, 1992/ There was a riot on the streets tell me where where you...." The opening lyrics to Sublime's ode to the Los Angeles Riots. The fall out of racist actions taken by the Los Angeles police and the injustice that followed. Flash ahead 22 years to 2014 and racism is still the predominant topic of the day. This time due to venom spewed forth by Clipper owner Donald Sterling. The fact that racism still exists is an indicator of how primitive our society remains. Fortunately, this time justice appears to have been served. The NBA took swift and decisive action over Mr. Sterling's comments. This goes against how most justice is doled out. Usually there are long, drawn out hearings and committees formed to inquire into actions, blah, blah, blah. Now I agree that justice should be served, and nobody should be tried, convicted, and executed without proper evidence. However, in the case of Mr. Sterling, there was no denying the evidence and the sentence was handed out rapidly. The NBA got this one right. This is a scar, that though it will remain, will not be visible forever because corrective action was applied swiftly. I think had NBA commissioner Adam Silver done anything other than the absolute right thing, we could have been on the precipice of another April 29th riot. We've already had one, another would have been unconscionable. It's nice to see we are finally evolving, at least some of us.

2856

I was fortunate enough to get a text from one of my best friend's today. We haven't seen each other in a few years. He is in the military and lives back East, and I live in Phoenix. He just so happens to be at Ft. Huachuca for the next month doing some training of some sort, so I fully plan to make the few hour drive down to see him. My friend is a few years younger than I am, but we grew up together like brothers. When I would spend my summers back east his family took me and my sister in as their own and that bond has never changed. He was sending me pictures of his to adorable girls and his son, as well as a few of him goofing around at work. I jokingly said "How could two such adorable girls come from such a ruffian like you?" and his reply made me think. "I have lot of sins to pay for man and God gave me just what I needed." This was far more deep than what I was expecting. I know what "sins" he is referring to. At least some of them. The last time we were able to spend time together we got lost in more bourbon than any two people should and the liquid truth began to flow. I know that he carries more on his shoulders than any man should. The U.S. Government has asked him to carry around the weight of atrocities he has carried out in their name and he has done so without question. He has been on the front lines, risked his life, jumped out of planes, taken and given life. He has sacrificed his own moral compass in the name of freedom for millions. He is one of the most admirable people I know. I am lucky to call him a friend and a brother. In addition to all he has done, he personally inspires me. I think about all of the above and much more and realize his mark on the world is far greater than anything I have done. I have done nothing to contribute to the history of mankind. I'm not talking about fame or infamy, but in retrospect the life I have lived has been rather selfish. I want to change this. I want to do something that will leave the world a better place than the one I was born into. Whether it be something that impacts my local community or something that changes the world, I want to leave some sort of positive before my time here is done. I have no idea what that may be, but I know that as long as I have this wonderful friend of mine to think about, I will continuously strive to do something better. So thank you Thomas, for not only all you have done for our country, but all you inspire in me. I hope I can make you as proud one day as you make us.

3000

I need to preface this post by letting everyone know that I rarely remember my dreams. I have no idea why, but it is few and far between that I wake up and remember any dreams that I had. Now, with that being said I had a very interesting dream last night. It was one of those dreams where I woke up and didn't even have to think about the message behind the dream, although I did ponder it for a while laying in bed. The gist of it was I was working at a big box retail store that is know for their employees wearing khakis and red shirts. I don't know if this other person in my dream was my boss or just a co-worker, but it was a woman who has been a surrogate mother figure to me most of my life. This woman lives in the small town in Kentucky that I come from. I have never seen her outside of this town, but we were both living and working in Arizona, along with another former co-worker of mine that happened to be from a small town in Missouri. The theme here is people from small towns now living in a big city. So as we were sitting around talking, the conversation lead to "have you ever thought about moving back (to the small towns we are from)"? Now this is where the most vivid part of my dream occurs. We start talking about how there is nothing left where we came from. I go on about how there is no work (the irony being that I'm working some low-level retail job), the family members that held us all together are all gone, etc. and I start to tear up. It was then I looked and my surrogate mother figure and say "And that is all the more reason I want to go back. I don't want that part of me to die." I woke up thinking about that. It's hard to acknowledge that part of what made you who you are doesn't exist anymore. My kids will never know why I do certain things the way I do them, or why I like certain things the way I like them, and it's because there is no giving them the experiences that I had as a kid where I am. Now rationally, I know that there is far more opportunity for them where we are. We live in one of the largest metropolitan areas in the US and it is growing and expanding and thriving. The place I'm from is stagnant at best if not dying. There is no growth opportunity, yet part of me still thinks that because of the people and place, my kids will always lack something instilled deep inside of me because they have not experienced where I came from. Even if the place I'm from offers no economic hope, the character of the person that is built there is much stronger than anything I've seen living in the city. There is no real sense of community here. People come home from work, pull into their garages, and don't leave until they go to work the next day. Part of that is the weather, it really is brutal trying to do anything outdoors from May through September, which is prime outdoor season for the rest of the world. And when the weather is decent here, the days are short so it's too dark to do anything after working hours. My next point is completely different, yet I think it completely relates to the above. After I woke up from my dream, to compound onto the "part of my being is dead" realization, I remembered that my branch of my family tree is ending as well. I have no sons to carry on my family name. My sister had sons, but they do not carry on my family name. And then, I also realize that there are no males left to carry on my maternal side's family name either. So what does all of this mean. I don't really know yet. I do think there is some symbolism there though that reflects society. My family will never be the same after my generation. I don't think society will be the same after my generation either. The massive changes in technology have ensured that. The world is smaller, yet more distant at the same time. We can communicate with just about anyone just about anywhere, yet the relationships that are forged are not the same as the ones a generation ago where you had to have physical interaction.l So I think I need to let all of this stew a little longer. The doors are open, the fans are blowing a cool breeze, and the Jehova's Witnesses have already been kicked off my property for the day...time to sit back and ponder the mortality of it all. Have a great Sunday.