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As much as I don't want to, I think it's time I look at going back on zoloft, at least for a little while. I really don't like being on zoloft. A complete lack of feeling is an odd feeling. That being said, I think at this point I might need to do so though to prevent a downward spiral. There have been a lot of things that have happened to me in the past month or so, and surprisingly I don't attribute any of that to my current mind state. I know that there is a chemical imbalance in my head that prevents me from being the best person I can be. I've gone through this before, and given family history, I'm sure I'll go through it again. The hardest part for me was admitting I needed help. Once you get past that point, things really are easier. I get to be a nasty son of a bitch when I'm on a down cycle, and that isn't fair to anybody. Not me, or the people around me. If taking a pill once a day can prevent me from being a bigger ass than my normal, charming self, then the least I can do is take one. I've seen what my sickness can do to others, and it isn't fair to them, just as it isn't fair that I have it to begin with. I haven't committed to the process yet, as it really is a horrible feeling. I'm still trying to do some homeopathic stuff, and some meditation to see if that will help, but I'm just about convinced that pharmaceuticals are the route I need to take, not because of a buzz or anything, but because they work. I know the side effects are sometimes just as bad as they symptoms, but that is something I know I have to deal with. Plus, the first day is really cool, like being on some really killer weed for a full 24. The second day, well that sucks. That's like tweeking and I hate that feeling. The insomnia sucks too, but by the end of the first week, week and half, everything seems to be ok. Sometimes just typing out the process helps. So while I contemplate what's best for me, let me say thanks for being a soundboard, whether you respond or not, just getting things out really helps, and that was one of the whole reasons for this blog.